why

“This wasn’t supposed to happen no no no no how many people know no no no I shouldn’t have trusted her”

a girl I trusted was upset and I decided to tell her a secret

why did I do that 

a secret only my best friend new and children services knew

why did I tell her 

my dad did something to me and we are no longer Abel to see him she must have guessed because next thing I knew a girl was running up to me saying did your dad really do that to you I panicked I couldn’t believe this

how many people know

I shouldn’t have told her

why did I do that

i don’t know what to do  

Thoughts

Thoughts
They run through my head every second every minute every hour of the day
I hate them I despise
I don’t understand
them they don’t go away
How do I make them stop……..
I can’t, I’m not strong enough,I’m too weak,I’ll never be pretty enough
I’m not good enough,I’m a terrible child,no one will ever love ,I’ve sinned too much ,
I’ll never get married ,I don’t care any more ,I’m a terrible person, I’m a terrible sister,
I won’t make it,I’ll never succeed, they don’t don’t understand why would they,I can never make up for what I did

It’s over I can never make up for what I did

love

Love

Everywhere and nowhere you see it in the eyes of 2 lovers or in one and not the other

In hatred and in sadness in the eyes of a Mother love is beautiful when it’s real but love
can be terrifying,regretful and painful
It can destroy you from the inside out and make you not want to let go to what you use to have love can break and heal a broken heart this is love a bitter sweet part of life

Hope

Hope
Can kill
And save
Blossoming in your heart because you can’t give up
Saving you from death this is
Hope
But hope can also make you ignorant and reckless
Deceiving you into fighting a battle you can’t fight

It can help you up and fill you with encouragement but tear you down and disappear when you need it

this is hope a beautiful flower with poisonous sap that can be the death of you are be the antidote to save you

Broken

I ment a someone year ago someone I would never forget.from the first time I’d met him I knew I wanted to be someone he trusted someone to be there for him but I was selfish so….selfish I miss him so much It hurts every time I think about him.i remember texting non stop about anime and random stuff.I remember are long fights about bering friends and that he could trust me.

every time he would text me my heart would race I didn’t no what I was feeling I didn’t  know why my heart would race I still don’t.

I don’t no if it was love or I just cared to much.

I’ll never he’s gone now it ended with him wanting nothing to do with me.

They

They don’t understand.  They won’t.     They can’t  understand.   

There mad, disappointed,annoyed frustrated.

Thay have had it there done 

      I’m done too….Its like trying to climb a mountain but you get tripped and pushed and kicked you tumble down the mountain over and over aging then you get shoved up the moutmountain and  your OK for once its not bad then you slip and fall down the mountain and it feels like every bone is broken in you body is broken you can’t see or hear and everything turns dull and the cycle will repeat it’s self but your so tired your so Sick of it you don’t want to do it any more you stop caring and you let your self fall and your shatered……then your pices are shoved back together and your forced to start agin and again and AGING AND AGING AND AGING 

blank

What I see has never been what I see what I feel has never been what I felt what I say has never been what I want to say I am not   in control of my body

i have never felt real

I have never loved

I’ve never felt

i am blank I walk I run I yell I scream

but I never feel

I hear what someone else hears

I am blank

Little

When I was little my mom used to yell at me you have sinned child ask God for forgiveness I would drop down to my knees and crying ask God to not abandon me to forgive me for all I have done.

now I don’t believe because being forgiven being welcomed to a place where you have a second chance can’t exist I have done so much wrong

 I will never be forgiven 

 

self

Peopel say you need to work on finding your self but I know who I am I know my name I know my mother I know my father and bother they tell me that’s not it I say what do you mean I am not special or important I am One person in seven billion four hundred thirty-two million six hundred sixty-three thousand two hundred seventy-five people I am know one I am nothing

Stairs

Her locker is empty but was never filled.

the chair in the back where she sat and gazed out the window is now vacant.her quiet footsteps will never echo down the halls again her silent words will never be hered.she is gone and will never come back. you will never hear her because you never heard her you will never see her because you never saw her.she is gone and no one knows she is gone and no one knows

 

i chose that name because I was walking down the stairs when I thought of it